The Land of Lost Content

Huh? The what? That’s what I thought too when I picked up the leaflet in my local Tourist information office. Many times I’ve heard people admit to not exploring their local area, even though there may be many interesting places to visit and things to see, and I’m no exception. But recently I decided this had to change, starting with an outing to this intriguing museum in Craven Arms, Shropshire (just north of Ludlow). All I can say is that I LOVED IT! Well, it was more like “Wow, that was amazing, I must tell as many people about it as possible!”

 “The Land of Lost Content” is the world's largest archive of 20th century popular culture. This online resource is the result of a lifetime of collecting by Stella and her husband Dave. It’s a shrine to the British way of life, from the Victorians through the Twentieth Century”

http://www.lolc.org.uk/

 “The museum is housed on three floors of a Victorian market hall. Everything falls under 32 main headings including schooldays, food and beverages, cooking and cleaning, teenagers and national service, nursery years, toys and games, hardware, confectionery, cigarettes and tobacco, travel and transport, holidays, photography, hairdressing and cosmetics, film and theatre, clothing and shoes, fashion, pop music, sports and pass-times, radio and television, home front, etc. In fact – everything we, our parents, our grandparents and our children, owned, used, played with and threw away.”

In this YouTube video, Danny Wallace featured the museum in 2009 on the TV programme “Brilliant Britain” and it will give you a very good idea of what it’s like...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygU_Q5ICEps

It’s well worth a visit, preferably with someone as you will find yourself wanting to say “I had one of those!” or “I remember that!” excitedly every few seconds. A very nice pot of tea and slice of homemade cake can be enjoyed in their tearoom too. All I would say is that I found the temperature quite cool in there (but in fairness I do feel the cold) so next time I go I will wrap up more. But there will definitely be a next time.

A little FAQ for you...

I quite often get asked questions so thought it was about time I wrote a little FAQ…

“Are you ok with someone who's larger than average?”

Do you mean you are very tall, very rotund, or have a big cock?

“What's the biggest penis you've taken? I'd like to know before booking to see if I'm bigger”.

I’ve never taken a penis, I always give them back at the end of appointments. What do you think I am, a thief! The biggest one I’ve had was two inches long and the width of a Cadbury’s chocolate finger, and it was a tight fit (now he can feel like a sex god, LOL). My muff is like a mouse’s ear I’ll have you know.

 “Do you masturbate and when did you last do it?”

Yesterday…in Morrisons…in the cake isle. Oh, c’mon, it was a Thornton’s chocolate celebration cake. I now shop elsewhere.

“I expect you'll be getting fucked by your boyfriend this evening so at least it’s not both of us that will be missing out”. (after I was unable to fit someone in at short notice)

“Obviously kept for your private life” (after I said a service wasn’t available)

Oh my god, they’ve obviously bugged my home and are also filming me so know what I do in my private life! Damn spooks!

“Could I come and watch you get fucked by your partner? I presume that's why you finish at 3pm on Fridays?”

No to the first question, and to the second, unless you are one of those spooks who secretly films me you really shouldn’t assume to know anything about me. For your information at 3.15pm every Friday I move my car into the road outside my house, climb on the bonnet naked and give the neighbours a toy show, and they get disappointed if I’m not there on time, so I’m afraid I can’t work late on a Friday.

“can I book some time with you and watch you getting fucked by your partner?”

I’m afraid my partner is completely separate from my escort work so is not available to join me, sorry.

“if I make a booking with you would you tell me the kind of things you get up to sexually in your private life with your boyfriend?”

Hmm, no. The clue is in the word “private”.

“Is he good in bed? Better than clients?” (regarding my partner)

“You don't offer owo or cim but do you ever do cim in private life?”

[serious head]These are the sorts of questions that I really want to answer “None of your business!” Although I am an open person, my private life is strictly off limits, especially regarding my partner, OK [/serious head]

“How often do you orgasm with a client though? And do you get naturally wet?”

Discussions about arousal and orgasms are a minefield; if I said “it’s unlikely I’ll orgasm with you” I’ll probably be labelled frigid, or someone who doesn’t allow myself to come with clients for all sorts of psychological reasons, but if I said “it’s likely I will come with you” and I don’t, then I could either be considered a liar (just telling you what you want to hear perhaps) or you’ll possibly get a complex about why I didn’t with you. What I will say though is that the more pressure I feel to orgasm the less chance it’ll happen; call it performance pressure if you like. So IMO it’s much better to go with the flow, relax, and see what happens with no expectations. I am responsive if you press the right buttons (waving a Fondant Fancy under my nose tends to get me excited), and I can show you where they are if you meet me (rather than get into a titillating conversation via email).

“I really get off on hearing what you've got up to with other clients that day/week. Are you ok with telling me those kind of things by email?”

When I said No, I was accused of offering a service that was “a bit odd and impersonal” because I don’t offer any titillating sexy chat via email, text or phone. I thought that was what sex chat lines were for. Plus I don’t think it’s right to discuss my experiences with other clients.

“can we start things off with a shower together?”

Sorry, I don’t offer shared showers or baths, but you’re welcome to strip in my driveway while I hose you down with the jet wash if you like.

“Mind if I ask what colour your pussy is? what shade of pink?”

Next time I’m in B&Q I will pick up some paint charts and put an accurate description on my website. But to give you an idea it’s like an angel’s tongue, as sweet as a cherub’s breath, and when I open my legs harps play. If you don’t like harps I can also channel my iPod and play what you like, or I can set my pussy to mute.

“Have you had a good fuck this morning?” followed in another email by, “Are you having a fuck this afternoon?”

No, I was hoovering the dog this morning (well, he is moulting), and picking up Dulux paint charts this afternoon (steady now, don’t get too excited). I like to live life on the edge.

“I'd like to do is put 3 fingers inside you and then wolf whistle a few times. Will you let me do that?”

OK. But I will have to wear ear protectors because the last person that wolf whistled near me made my ears hurt!

Talk the talk or walk the walk?

Over the years in this business I have discovered a few things; there are those who seem to like to talk about meeting and those who actually meet me. This has been highlighted over the past few weeks with the type of enquiries I’ve been getting, and although I have a fun, chatty, playful streak I prefer to keep booking arrangements more businesslike. If you’re concerned I’m not friendly enough just pick up the phone for a chat; you’ll soon see what I’m like. So for the genuine amongst you here are some pointers to avoid being labelled a wrong’un…

• Being asked questions is par of the course, however, there is a danger of appearing to only be after what I describe as “wank fodder”, where the man asks (often numerous) questions that require titillating details to be divulged. I offer a real life sexual encounter, which works well for those who visit. What I DO NOT offer is emailed wank fodder or a phone sex line. There’s a fine line between potential clients clarifying what they can and can’t do/trying to find out whether we would be a good match, and being a bit of a perv or fishing for (often irrelevant) info. Examples are:
  
  “I enjoy giving a partner as much pleasure as I receive so can I ask what kind of things excite you?” (This makes great wank fodder so, of course you can ask…when you meet me. I’m happy give you detailed info then).
  
  “I enjoy using my hands and fingers so what's the maximum number your happy taking?” (answering questions like this always opens up correspondence that would be great wank fodder, because no sooner have I replied I will get another email asking “is it OK to do XYZ then?” or “How do you like it?”).
  
  “Would you describe yourself as tight?” (The strange thing is that I can’t recall a single man who’s actually met who has asked this question. Hmmm, funny that eh?)
  
  Or the best example of someone giving the impression of being after wank fodder that I’ve had for a while. Each time I answered a question he’d ask another (no, he didn’t verify his ID and we never did meet)…
  “I'm interested in having a good rimming session with you…I love rimming a lady and enjoy slipping my tongue inside a bit too if that's ok?”
  
  “do you allow any playing with fingers? Not inserting (unless you like that), just stroking and caressing around the hole on the outside?”
  
  “I'd love to put my fingers in your pussy whilst I'm rimming you! You like that then?”
  
  “which position is your favourite to be rimmed in?”
  
  “Does it turn you on having fingers in your pussy at the same time?”
  
  “Ever had the urge to have a finger inside your bum?”

The “clever” ones (or should I say, the worst offenders) will ask at least one open question per email thus prolonging the correspondence. What could have taken one five minute phone call has then taken numerous emails and made me question their motives in the process. At what stage do I have to make a judgment on someone’s motives and decide enough’s enough? So, if you would genuinely like to meet, here is an example of a perfect email which is short and to the point, with all the details required:

“Hello [insert escort’s name]

I’ve read your website and am interested in booking some time with you. Are you available on X(day) at X(time) for X(duration) or alternatively [insert other suitable days].

Regards

[Your name]”

If you have a specific query (when you are after anything where you are unsure if the lady offers it or not) then something like this is ideal:

“Hello [insert escort’s name]

I’m interested in booking some time with you for tuition as I’d like to become more confident sexually and learn how to be a better lover, to learn techniques such as XYZ to please a woman. What I have in mind is [this that and the other], is that something you offer? If so, are you available on X(day) at X(time) for X(duration) or alternatively [insert other suitable days].

Regards

[Your name]”

• Until we meet, discussions about my personal life i.e. anything about what I do outside of my escort work, is off limits. I can't see why anyone genuine needs to know whether I have lots of orgasms with my partner or whether I like to masturbate when I’m not working, in order to decide whether to meet me or not. Curiosity killed the cat! If you do then please leave a comment explaining.
  

• I realise I am very strict with ID verification and understand that would put a fair few of you off, but all I ask is that before you get in touch with me you feel OK with going through this procedure, thanks. Details of the information I will need from you before I can reserve the time you want can be found on the Booking page of my website. There are no exceptions to this rule, no matter how nice you sound, sorry. I get the impression that it’s a sticking point for some, which is very frustrating after batting numerous emails backwards and forwards, deciding on a date and time, only for them to not verify their ID. Of course I have no way of knowing whether these men were serious about meeting and perhaps something cropped up, as they rarely tell me they can no longer make that date we organised. They just go quiet…after lots of “I’ll call tomorrow/I’ll verify my ID soon”. Thankfully I work strictly on a no verification no booking system (so never reserve provisional dates), which at least means I’m not turning real bookings down.

I love Freecycle and Freegle

“Reduce, reuse, recycle” is meant to be a hierarchy, in order of importance, whereas it appears more importance is often placed on recycling alone. But there is one really simple way of reusing stuff you no longer want, even if you think it’s junk…placing an “offered” advert with your local Freecycle and Freegle group. What I love about it is that it takes a couple of minutes to advertise seemingly useless crap on there and quite often someone will want it. They will even collect it from you so it doesn’t cost a penny, saving you a trip to the dump or the cost of hiring a skip. No money changes hands but it’s a win win situation. I’ve given away lots, including insulation that was removed from a wall in my cottage when the fireplace was restored, wine bottles (people use them for home brewing), old carpets, a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre, and lengths of wood from a dismantled old fence. It's great! :-D

http://www.uk.freecycle.org/

http://www.ilovefreegle.org/

Personal hygiene

A recent discussion on Punternet forum, and a few rather…ehem…fragrant clients has prompted me to write this post on personal hygiene. Having a shower means soaping up all the nooks and crannies, not just letting the water wash over your back as one gent thought. He came out of the shower (which I made him have because he had BO) smelling the same as he went in. I even had one client who visited straight from work decline my offer of a shower because he’d had one that morning. I explained that the “morning” was some hours ago and that I’d appreciate it if he freshened up.

There are certain “danger areas” regarding smells and sex, so here’s a (hopefully polite) reminder to those who are a bit out of practice with being intimate with another person, and a tutorial for those who are not aware…

Penis...it’s important to pull the foreskin back before washing the cock, get underneath there, and if you have a pee after your shower you will need to rinse the pee off afterwards; urine goes stale pretty quickly when trapped under a nice warm foreskin. This can be done in the sink, you don’t need to get back in the shower. Unfortunately it’s one of those areas that I don’t necessarily find out it smells until my nose is a few inches away, by which time it would be rather awkward to stop the action and ask the man to shower. Fair play to the ladies that do though, I admire them for that, but I do then wonder how awkward the atmosphere is for the rest of the booking. Why risk it eh? It’s not just the bell end that need washing either, it’s everywhere it may have touched. Sometimes I smell a whiff of smeg or pee on upper thighs, balls and groins even though the penis has been freshly washed.

Bum...as Kid A on Punternet said, “shower after a shit”. Failing that it’s possible to have a very effective wash by sitting on the loo and using a jug of water to wash down below. This saves having to get back in the shower, but does the job just as well. If you’ve sweated a bit between your shower and your date, please wash between your arse cheeks again (paying particular attention to the folds of your anus); leaving skid marks on my sheets is not attractive but it is unfortunately quite common. And please do your balls at the same time because they won’t be licked if they aren’t fresh (and preferably shaven).

Armpits...I know some people don’t like using anti-perspirants and will only use deodorant, but if you have wet armpits, even if it’s fresh sweat, I do not want to snuggle up to you, sorry. There is no excuse for expecting sex when you have smelly pits either as it’s one of those areas that’s easy for you to notice.

Breath...tea and coffee can leave a dodgy smell, as can eating all the usual stinky foods such as garlic and curry, so eat something fairly neutral before visiting a lady and brush your teeth afterwards. If you’re unable to brush your teeth, swill water found your mouth to remove food caught in the teeth then spit it out. Drinking water helps keep the mouth from drying out (which can cause a furry tongue and bad breath), so consider swigging some of that rather than purely relying on mints. Bad teeth or gums can lead to halitosis too. If you’re a smoker a mint will not hide the fact as it still comes out of your lungs even when your mouth is fresh! A client said he’d abstain from smoking on the day of a meeting to prevent this, and it did work (thanks for that).

Body sprays…what!? you’re asking. I’ve just complained about bad smells and now I’m complaining about body sprays? Well, not entirely, but what isn’t that pleasant is licking balls that have been sprayed with “eau de chemical” or cuddling someone where his artificial scent comes off all over my clothes, skin and hair. Discretion works both ways and I avoid wearing perfume so my scent does not come off on clients, so it would be lovely if the favour was returned. Unless it would arouse suspicions with a partner it would be greatly appreciated if smellies are kept to the armpits only. Why mask your lovely natural scent with something that someone else may find overpowering or a turn off; perfumes are highly personal and what is one person’s tastes may revolt their partner.

I really hope that you have not found this post offensive or patronising; being clean and fresh smelling will help you get the most from a booking with a lady, but being a stinker can lead to not being welcomed back.

Why is it that whenever the phrase “No offense but” is used it usually precedes something offensive? There is one thing guaranteed to rub me up the wrong way and that is to make assumptions about my life, so please do not do what this one judgmental potential client did and assume he knows what I’m doing when my calendar says “busy”. After not being able to book the day he wanted and me suggesting another he replied with this gem…

Hello Lara
I have just been looking at your calender to try to arrange a date and time then you are free and, no offence but it appears that you are not quite as exclusive and part time as your website suggests with how busy you appear to be. One thing that attracted me to you was being part time and appearing to see a small number of clients during a week/month. Sorry if I have wasted your time but I don't think I'll be booking and there's truly no offence meant.

Thanks
*****

Hello *****

Things aren’t always as they appear though! I am a part time escort who sees maximum of two clients a day on those day when I actually do see clients, but most of the time it’s only one visitor. I am busy doing lots of other things in my life; for example, these past few days I’m on a course, Monday I will have no electricity here due to tree cutting near power lines so I’m having the day off, then I’m on a couple of one day (non-work related) outings, then from the 20th to the 31st Oct I’m on holiday, after which I have numerous other courses and events I’m attending. It’s always best not to assume things as it’s so easy to get it wrong isn’t it. If you don’t consider me too much of a slapper you are most welcome to visit; the days marked “busy” on my calendar do not necessarily mean I’m busy having sex, LOL.

Best wishes

Lara.

I believe having a good work/life balance is vital, plus not being particularly motivated by money I do tend to have a lot of time off to pursue my many interests and hobbies. Unfortunately some people really do think that we escorts are interested in nothing besides sex and that we spend our days sitting around in stockings and suspenders waiting for bookings. We are human you know; *shock, horror* some even have lives outside the industry. Who’d have though it eh!

Photo

I'm not at all fond of having my photo taken but every now and then I grit my teeth and have a session with the photographer. I shall occasionally post new piccies on here and on my website; here's one for starters...