Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Personal hygiene

A recent discussion on Punternet forum, and a few rather…ehem…fragrant clients has prompted me to write this post on personal hygiene. Having a shower means soaping up all the nooks and crannies, not just letting the water wash over your back as one gent thought. He came out of the shower (which I made him have because he had BO) smelling the same as he went in. I even had one client who visited straight from work decline my offer of a shower because he’d had one that morning. I explained that the “morning” was some hours ago and that I’d appreciate it if he freshened up.

There are certain “danger areas” regarding smells and sex, so here’s a (hopefully polite) reminder to those who are a bit out of practice with being intimate with another person, and a tutorial for those who are not aware…

Penis...it’s important to pull the foreskin back before washing the cock, get underneath there, and if you have a pee after your shower you will need to rinse the pee off afterwards; urine goes stale pretty quickly when trapped under a nice warm foreskin. This can be done in the sink, you don’t need to get back in the shower. Unfortunately it’s one of those areas that I don’t necessarily find out it smells until my nose is a few inches away, by which time it would be rather awkward to stop the action and ask the man to shower. Fair play to the ladies that do though, I admire them for that, but I do then wonder how awkward the atmosphere is for the rest of the booking. Why risk it eh? It’s not just the bell end that need washing either, it’s everywhere it may have touched. Sometimes I smell a whiff of smeg or pee on upper thighs, balls and groins even though the penis has been freshly washed.

Bum...as Kid A on Punternet said, “shower after a shit”. Failing that it’s possible to have a very effective wash by sitting on the loo and using a jug of water to wash down below. This saves having to get back in the shower, but does the job just as well. If you’ve sweated a bit between your shower and your date, please wash between your arse cheeks again (paying particular attention to the folds of your anus); leaving skid marks on my sheets is not attractive but it is unfortunately quite common. And please do your balls at the same time because they won’t be licked if they aren’t fresh (and preferably shaven).

Armpits...I know some people don’t like using anti-perspirants and will only use deodorant, but if you have wet armpits, even if it’s fresh sweat, I do not want to snuggle up to you, sorry. There is no excuse for expecting sex when you have smelly pits either as it’s one of those areas that’s easy for you to notice.

Breath...tea and coffee can leave a dodgy smell, as can eating all the usual stinky foods such as garlic and curry, so eat something fairly neutral before visiting a lady and brush your teeth afterwards. If you’re unable to brush your teeth, swill water found your mouth to remove food caught in the teeth then spit it out. Drinking water helps keep the mouth from drying out (which can cause a furry tongue and bad breath), so consider swigging some of that rather than purely relying on mints. Bad teeth or gums can lead to halitosis too. If you’re a smoker a mint will not hide the fact as it still comes out of your lungs even when your mouth is fresh! A client said he’d abstain from smoking on the day of a meeting to prevent this, and it did work (thanks for that).

Body sprays…what!? you’re asking. I’ve just complained about bad smells and now I’m complaining about body sprays? Well, not entirely, but what isn’t that pleasant is licking balls that have been sprayed with “eau de chemical” or cuddling someone where his artificial scent comes off all over my clothes, skin and hair. Discretion works both ways and I avoid wearing perfume so my scent does not come off on clients, so it would be lovely if the favour was returned. Unless it would arouse suspicions with a partner it would be greatly appreciated if smellies are kept to the armpits only. Why mask your lovely natural scent with something that someone else may find overpowering or a turn off; perfumes are highly personal and what is one person’s tastes may revolt their partner.

I really hope that you have not found this post offensive or patronising; being clean and fresh smelling will help you get the most from a booking with a lady, but being a stinker can lead to not being welcomed back.

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