Monday, 4 June 2012

A little FAQ for you...

I quite often get asked questions so thought it was about time I wrote a little FAQ…

“Are you ok with someone who's larger than average?”
Do you mean you are very tall, very rotund, or have a big cock?

“What's the biggest penis you've taken? I'd like to know before booking to see if I'm bigger”.
I’ve never taken a penis, I always give them back at the end of appointments. What do you think I am, a thief! The biggest one I’ve had was two inches long and the width of a Cadbury’s chocolate finger, and it was a tight fit (now he can feel like a sex god, LOL). My muff is like a mouse’s ear I’ll have you know.

 “Do you masturbate and when did you last do it?”
Yesterday…in Morrisons…in the cake isle. Oh, c’mon, it was a Thornton’s chocolate celebration cake. I now shop elsewhere.

“I expect you'll be getting fucked by your boyfriend this evening so at least it’s not both of us that will be missing out”. (after I was unable to fit someone in at short notice)
“Obviously kept for your private life” (after I said a service wasn’t available)
Oh my god, they’ve obviously bugged my home and are also filming me so know what I do in my private life! Damn spooks!

“Could I come and watch you get fucked by your partner? I presume that's why you finish at 3pm on Fridays?”
No to the first question, and to the second, unless you are one of those spooks who secretly films me you really shouldn’t assume to know anything about me. For your information at 3.15pm every Friday I move my car into the road outside my house, climb on the bonnet naked and give the neighbours a toy show, and they get disappointed if I’m not there on time, so I’m afraid I can’t work late on a Friday.

“can I book some time with you and watch you getting fucked by your partner?”
I’m afraid my partner is completely separate from my escort work so is not available to join me, sorry.

“if I make a booking with you would you tell me the kind of things you get up to sexually in your private life with your boyfriend?”
Hmm, no. The clue is in the word “private”.
“Is he good in bed? Better than clients?” (regarding my partner)
“You don't offer owo or cim but do you ever do cim in private life?”
[serious head]These are the sorts of questions that I really want to answer “None of your business!” Although I am an open person, my private life is strictly off limits, especially regarding my partner, OK [/serious head]

“How often do you orgasm with a client though? And do you get naturally wet?”
Discussions about arousal and orgasms are a minefield; if I said “it’s unlikely I’ll orgasm with you” I’ll probably be labelled frigid, or someone who doesn’t allow myself to come with clients for all sorts of psychological reasons, but if I said “it’s likely I will come with you” and I don’t, then I could either be considered a liar (just telling you what you want to hear perhaps) or you’ll possibly get a complex about why I didn’t with you. What I will say though is that the more pressure I feel to orgasm the less chance it’ll happen; call it performance pressure if you like. So IMO it’s much better to go with the flow, relax, and see what happens with no expectations. I am responsive if you press the right buttons (waving a Fondant Fancy under my nose tends to get me excited), and I can show you where they are if you meet me (rather than get into a titillating conversation via email).

“I really get off on hearing what you've got up to with other clients that day/week. Are you ok with telling me those kind of things by email?”
When I said No, I was accused of offering a service that was “a bit odd and impersonal” because I don’t offer any titillating sexy chat via email, text or phone. I thought that was what sex chat lines were for. Plus I don’t think it’s right to discuss my experiences with other clients.

“can we start things off with a shower together?”
Sorry, I don’t offer shared showers or baths, but you’re welcome to strip in my driveway while I hose you down with the jet wash if you like.

“Mind if I ask what colour your pussy is? what shade of pink?”
Next time I’m in B&Q I will pick up some paint charts and put an accurate description on my website. But to give you an idea it’s like an angel’s tongue, as sweet as a cherub’s breath, and when I open my legs harps play. If you don’t like harps I can also channel my iPod and play what you like, or I can set my pussy to mute.

“Have you had a good fuck this morning?” followed in another email by, “Are you having a fuck this afternoon?”
No, I was hoovering the dog this morning (well, he is moulting), and picking up Dulux paint charts this afternoon (steady now, don’t get too excited). I like to live life on the edge.

“I'd like to do is put 3 fingers inside you and then wolf whistle a few times. Will you let me do that?”
OK. But I will have to wear ear protectors because the last person that wolf whistled near me made my ears hurt!

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