I quite
often get asked questions so thought it was about time I wrote a little FAQ…
“Are you ok with someone who's larger than average?”
Do you mean you are very tall, very rotund, or have
a big cock?
“What's the
biggest penis you've taken? I'd like to know before booking to see if I'm
bigger”.
I’ve
never taken a penis, I always give them back at the end of appointments. What do
you think I am, a thief! The biggest one I’ve had was two inches long and the
width of a Cadbury’s chocolate finger, and it was a tight fit (now he can feel
like a sex god, LOL). My muff is like a mouse’s ear I’ll have you know.
“Do you masturbate and when did you last do
it?”
Yesterday…in
Morrisons…in the cake isle. Oh, c’mon, it was a Thornton’s chocolate
celebration cake. I now shop elsewhere.
“I expect you'll be getting fucked by your boyfriend this evening so at
least it’s not both of us that will be missing out”. (after
I was unable to fit someone in at short notice)
“Obviously kept
for your private life” (after I said a service wasn’t
available)
Oh
my god, they’ve obviously bugged my home and are also filming me so know what I
do in my private life! Damn spooks!
“Could I come and watch you get fucked by your
partner? I presume that's why you finish at 3pm on Fridays?”
No to the first question, and to the second, unless
you are one of those spooks who secretly films me you really shouldn’t assume
to know anything about me. For your information at 3.15pm every Friday I move
my car into the road outside my house, climb on the bonnet naked and give the
neighbours a toy show, and they get disappointed if I’m not there on time, so I’m
afraid I can’t work late on a Friday.
“can I book some
time with you and watch you getting fucked by your partner?”
I’m
afraid my partner is completely separate from my escort work so is not available
to join me, sorry.
“if I make a
booking with you would you tell me the kind of things you get up to sexually in
your private life with your boyfriend?”
Hmm,
no. The clue is in the word “private”.
“Is he good in
bed? Better than clients?” (regarding my partner)
“You don't offer
owo or cim but do you ever do cim in private life?”
[serious
head]These are the sorts of questions that I really want to answer “None of
your business!” Although I am an open person, my private life is strictly off
limits, especially regarding my partner, OK [/serious head]
“How often do
you orgasm with a client though? And do you get naturally wet?”
Discussions
about arousal and orgasms are a minefield; if I said “it’s unlikely I’ll orgasm
with you” I’ll probably be labelled frigid, or someone who doesn’t allow myself
to come with clients for all sorts of psychological reasons, but if I said
“it’s likely I will come with you” and I don’t, then I could either be
considered a liar (just telling you what you want to hear perhaps) or you’ll
possibly get a complex about why I didn’t with you. What I will say though is
that the more pressure I feel to orgasm the less chance it’ll happen; call it
performance pressure if you like. So IMO it’s much better to go with the flow,
relax, and see what happens with no expectations. I am responsive if you press
the right buttons (waving a Fondant Fancy under my nose tends to get me
excited), and I can show you where they are if you meet me (rather than get
into a titillating conversation via email).
“I really get
off on hearing what you've got up to with other clients that day/week. Are you
ok with telling me those kind of things by email?”
When
I said No, I was accused of offering a service that was “a bit odd and
impersonal” because I don’t offer any titillating sexy chat via email, text or
phone. I thought that was what sex chat lines were for. Plus I don’t think it’s
right to discuss my experiences with other clients.
“can we start things off with a shower together?”
Sorry, I don’t offer shared showers or baths,
but you’re welcome to strip in my driveway while I hose you down with the jet
wash if you like.
“Mind if I ask
what colour your pussy is? what shade of pink?”
Next
time I’m in B&Q I will pick up some paint charts and put an accurate description
on my website. But to give you an idea it’s like an angel’s tongue, as sweet as
a cherub’s breath, and when I open my legs harps play. If you don’t like harps
I can also channel my iPod and play what you like, or I can set my pussy to
mute.
“Have you had a good fuck this morning?”
followed
in another email by, “Are you having a fuck this afternoon?”
No, I was hoovering the dog this
morning (well, he is moulting), and picking up Dulux paint charts this
afternoon (steady now, don’t get too excited). I like to live life on the edge.
“I'd like to do
is put 3 fingers inside you and then wolf whistle a few times. Will you let me
do that?”
OK.
But I will have to wear ear protectors because the last person that wolf
whistled near me made my ears hurt!
