Lara Brooks - "the thinking man's crumpet"

I love Freecycle and Freegle

2011-06-30T02:06:00.000-07:00

“Reduce, reuse, recycle” is meant to be a hierarchy, in order of importance, whereas it appears more importance is often placed on recycling alone. But there is one really simple way of reusing stuff you no longer want, even if you think it’s junk…placing an “offered” advert with your local Freecycle and Freegle group. What I love about it is that it takes a couple of minutes to advertise seemingly useless crap on there and quite often someone will want it. They will even collect it from you so it doesn’t cost a penny, saving you a trip to the dump or the cost of hiring a skip. No money changes hands but it’s a win win situation. I’ve given away lots, including insulation that was removed from a wall in my cottage when the fireplace was restored, wine bottles (people use them for home brewing), old carpets, a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre, and lengths of wood from a dismantled old fence. It's great! :-D

http://www.uk.freecycle.org/

http://www.ilovefreegle.org/

Personal hygiene

2011-06-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

A recent discussion on Punternet forum, and a few rather…ehem…fragrant clients has prompted me to write this post on personal hygiene. Having a shower means soaping up all the nooks and crannies, not just letting the water wash over your back as one gent thought. He came out of the shower (which I made him have because he had BO) smelling the same as he went in. I even had one client who visited straight from work decline my offer of a shower because he’d had one that morning. I explained that the “morning” was some hours ago and that I’d appreciate it if he freshened up.

There are certain “danger areas” regarding smells and sex, so here’s a (hopefully polite) reminder to those who are a bit out of practice with being intimate with another person, and a tutorial for those who are not aware…

Penis...it’s important to pull the foreskin back before washing the cock, get underneath there, and if you have a pee after your shower you will need to rinse the pee off afterwards; urine goes stale pretty quickly when trapped under a nice warm foreskin. This can be done in the sink, you don’t need to get back in the shower. Unfortunately it’s one of those areas that I don’t necessarily find out it smells until my nose is a few inches away, by which time it would be rather awkward to stop the action and ask the man to shower. Fair play to the ladies that do though, I admire them for that, but I do then wonder how awkward the atmosphere is for the rest of the booking. Why risk it eh? It’s not just the bell end that need washing either, it’s everywhere it may have touched. Sometimes I smell a whiff of smeg or pee on upper thighs, balls and groins even though the penis has been freshly washed.

Bum...as Kid A on Punternet said, “shower after a shit”. Failing that it’s possible to have a very effective wash by sitting on the loo and using a jug of water to wash down below. This saves having to get back in the shower, but does the job just as well. If you’ve sweated a bit between your shower and your date, please wash between your arse cheeks again (paying particular attention to the folds of your anus); leaving skid marks on my sheets is not attractive but it is unfortunately quite common. And please do your balls at the same time because they won’t be licked if they aren’t fresh (and preferably shaven).

Armpits...I know some people don’t like using anti-perspirants and will only use deodorant, but if you have wet armpits, even if it’s fresh sweat, I do not want to snuggle up to you, sorry. There is no excuse for expecting sex when you have smelly pits either as it’s one of those areas that’s easy for you to notice.

Breath...tea and coffee can leave a dodgy smell, as can eating all the usual stinky foods such as garlic and curry, so eat something fairly neutral before visiting a lady and brush your teeth afterwards. If you’re unable to brush your teeth, swill water found your mouth to remove food caught in the teeth then spit it out. Drinking water helps keep the mouth from drying out (which can cause a furry tongue and bad breath), so consider swigging some of that rather than purely relying on mints. Bad teeth or gums can lead to halitosis too. If you’re a smoker a mint will not hide the fact as it still comes out of your lungs even when your mouth is fresh! A client said he’d abstain from smoking on the day of a meeting to prevent this, and it did work (thanks for that).

Body sprays…what!? you’re asking. I’ve just complained about bad smells and now I’m complaining about body sprays? Well, not entirely, but what isn’t that pleasant is licking balls that have been sprayed with “eau de chemical” or cuddling someone where his artificial scent comes off all over my clothes, skin and hair. Discretion works both ways and I avoid wearing perfume so my scent does not come off on clients, so it would be lovely if the favour was returned. Unless it would arouse suspicions with a partner it would be greatly appreciated if smellies are kept to the armpits only. Why mask your lovely natural scent with something that someone else may find overpowering or a turn off; perfumes are highly personal and what is one person’s tastes may revolt their partner.

I really hope that you have not found this post offensive or patronising; being clean and fresh smelling will help you get the most from a booking with a lady, but being a stinker can lead to not being welcomed back.

2010-10-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever the phrase “No offense but” is used it usually precedes something offensive? There is one thing guaranteed to rub me up the wrong way and that is to make assumptions about my life, so please do not do what this one judgmental potential client did and assume he knows what I’m doing when my calendar says “busy”. After not being able to book the day he wanted and me suggesting another he replied with this gem…

Hello Lara
I have just been looking at your calender to try to arrange a date and time then you are free and, no offence but it appears that you are not quite as exclusive and part time as your website suggests with how busy you appear to be. One thing that attracted me to you was being part time and appearing to see a small number of clients during a week/month. Sorry if I have wasted your time but I don't think I'll be booking and there's truly no offence meant.

Thanks
*****

Hello *****

Things aren’t always as they appear though! I am a part time escort who sees maximum of two clients a day on those day when I actually do see clients, but most of the time it’s only one visitor. I am busy doing lots of other things in my life; for example, these past few days I’m on a course, Monday I will have no electricity here due to tree cutting near power lines so I’m having the day off, then I’m on a couple of one day (non-work related) outings, then from the 20th to the 31st Oct I’m on holiday, after which I have numerous other courses and events I’m attending. It’s always best not to assume things as it’s so easy to get it wrong isn’t it. If you don’t consider me too much of a slapper you are most welcome to visit; the days marked “busy” on my calendar do not necessarily mean I’m busy having sex, LOL.

Best wishes

Lara.

I believe having a good work/life balance is vital, plus not being particularly motivated by money I do tend to have a lot of time off to pursue my many interests and hobbies. Unfortunately some people really do think that we escorts are interested in nothing besides sex and that we spend our days sitting around in stockings and suspenders waiting for bookings. We are human you know; *shock, horror* some even have lives outside the industry. Who’d have though it eh!

Photo

2009-09-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not at all fond of having my photo taken but every now and then I grit my teeth and have a session with the photographer. I shall occasionally post new piccies on here and on my website; here's one for starters...

Modern life

2009-08-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's – could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. I find it moving; I hope you do too.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin.

Sod's Law and my mobile phone

2009-08-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

My mobile phone came with Sod’s Law fully installed as standard! It will only ring when…

I’m rushing to get ready for a client and have no time to chat
I’m in the bathroom
I’m cooking a meal that requires constant attention to prevent it becoming ruined
I’ve just taken the first mouthful of my dinner
I’m working
I’ve called the answer phone to listen to voicemail (so my phone is engaged)
I’m already on the phone to someone
I’m being served at the supermarket/using the cash machine/filling the car with petrol
I’m downstairs and it’s upstairs (because I don’t get a great reception at my cottage I have to leave the phone in one place rather than carry it around with me)
I've just nipped out of the house for 30 seconds, leaving the phone indoors
I walk through a signal blackspot with the phone, and in the 10 seconds it takes to receive the signal again there’s a missed call
I’m taking an important call on the landline
I’m watching the only TV programme I’m interested in that day, and one which requires my attention or else I haven’t a clue what’s going on.

And sod’s law, whenever I have a missed call, the person rarely leaves a message asking me to call back. Arrrgh! It’s so frustrating, and I’d imagine just as frustrating for the person trying to contact me. So, to make it simpler I’ve amended my website so it now says when I "could" be contacted by phone. Of course, if all else fails there’s always email :-)

My ex-battery chickens

2009-06-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

There’s something about the little brown cluckers I just love; if you are a chicken owner you’ll know exactly what I mean! It’s their almost constant gentle chatting (I find it a rather soothing sound for some reason), scratching for food (left leg, right leg, left leg, head down, fluffy bum up…repeat as required until tasty morsel is discovered), dust bathing (or should I call it creating “chicken craters”!), sun bathing (OMG, they look like they’ve keeled over!), and the way they follow me around the garden (I don’t pretend it’s out of affection for me, they are just greedy and are forever hopeful that I have some corn in my pocket!).

They were rescued by a great charity called the Battery Hen Welfare Trust
http://www.bhwt.org.uk/

If you have no idea what I’m going on about then take a look at this. They aren’t my “girls” but I love this clip as it always puts a smile on my face :-)…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvDMqPDlmFA

Prejudices regarding prostitutes

2009-06-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

I find one of the most difficult things to deal with in this industry are the prejudices of people who’s only experience of prostitutes is what they’ve seen on “The Bill” or US crime dramas, or from reading what some ignorant journalist has written. So, to balance things a little, here’s a bit about me:

Although I appreciate there are women who are forced into prostitution, it should not be overlooked that there are many who, like myself, are in this profession of our own free will.

I work as an Independent Escort, i.e. I work alone, am in control of my fees, working hours, advertising, website (which incidentally I designed and built from scratch myself after completing an HTML course at college), and the bookings I accept. If I dislike someone I will refuse to see them. I pay tax (I’m registered as an Escort with HMRC) and National Insurance. I don’t claim benefits, don’t take drugs, don’t smoke, am careful not to drink too much alcohol, take my sexual health seriously, wasn’t abused as a child, have never been in an abusive relationship, have never had problems with clients, and am not working to pay off debt. I am also against kiss and tell stories.

Nobody suggested I become a prostitute; it was my idea because I knew, getting on better with men than women and being passionate about good customer service, it would suit me and I’d be good at it. I am proud to have quietly built a good reputation in this business, and it seems ironic that my living, and that of other prostitutes, is now compromised by the “Minister for Women” (Harriet Harman)…but that’s another story. I find my work empowering; I’m in control. I am not a victim and I don’t want to be “rescued”, or forced to leave this business. Not exactly the stereotypical whore eh?!

I will probably never change the minds of people who, for moral reasons, are anti paid sex, but I hope to enlighten those who were not aware there are many independent women like me out there, trying to make an honest living. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

If you can’t beat them, join them…

2009-06-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

I have finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, into the world of blogging. My ramblings will most likely be about anything and everything rather than purely the ins and outs (s’cuse the pun!) of my life as an escort. So watch this space :-)